I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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