end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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