Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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