Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
