I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
