dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
