i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
