my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
