get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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