Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm passing your future prison.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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