Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
