dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
