whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
