Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
