Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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