I used to practice getting hit by cars.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
