I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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