took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
