I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
