i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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