the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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