Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
