Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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