how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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