just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
