You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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