After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
