if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
