my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
