I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
