Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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