My girlfriend figured out who you are.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
