So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
