Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
