Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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