I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
