some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
