dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
