he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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