This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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