ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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