my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
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