Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
