nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
