The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
