I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
