So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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