saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
