so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Your penis caused this!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
