last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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