You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
