There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
