she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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